someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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