I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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