I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is Oprah even human
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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