He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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