Someone shit on the floor
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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