WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
