Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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