i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
