He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
