dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize