After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It's just like the Real World with babies
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
