So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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