Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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