What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
