last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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