Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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