I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
