I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think I sprained my soul last night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
