my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
