The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize