rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
