i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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