also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We talked him into tasing himself.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
