Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
