i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
