I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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