He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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