I'm gonna have a badass scar
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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