I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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