I am midnight drunk by noon
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
