I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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