It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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