Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
