Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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