Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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