Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize