So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
