He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
