dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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