take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so let's talk penis.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
