I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize