Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
