I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize