she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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