Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize