i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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