Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
