As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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