The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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