Having a random hookup so left but love u
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
