went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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