There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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