is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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