nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
