I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
