I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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