why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize