Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
