this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
