i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
