How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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